You're Gone
by SBNH13
Summary: Sequel to When I'm Gone. Delphine reads the letter Cosima wrote to her. No actual character death but Cosima is dead from the beginning. Rated T for language.


**AN: hello :) this is a sequel to When I'm Gone, it was requested by Julielein. The parts in italics are from the letter. I hope you like it and reviews are always good, even if its to criticize because I'm pretty new at writing fanfiction and I only want to get better :)**

* * *

I pull out the crinkled, worn piece of paper from my coat pocket. I've opened and closed it over 100 times by now and each time I still can't believe it's one of the only things I have left from you. It's an off-white color now and some of the words are smudged from tears, but it doesn't matter. I know it by heart anyways. I remember when I found and read your letter for the first time.

* * *

It was a couple of days after your funeral, I was looking through your drawers, going through them and sniffing anything I could. Trying to do anything to still smell you, my only way of still sensing you were with me.

I was broken. I couldn't do anything but sit or cry. When I wasn't crying I was looking through our pictures, but that just led to me trying to choke back sobs and always failing. I couldn't do it. I thought about ending it a few times, it felt like I lost everything. You were all I had and now you were just… gone.

I found the letter at the bottom of your shirt drawer. At first I thought it was just a piece of paper, maybe something you forgot was there. But then I saw 'Delphine' written in your handwriting on top. I carefully picked it up, as though it was made of glass and would break if I dropped it or handled it too roughly. I walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge as a tear rolled down my cheek. I had found another belonging of yours, something for me that I had never seen. I opened the letter and began to read.

_I won't be there to hold you and tell you how strong you are and that you can get through anything. Even this. But you need to know Delphine, I believe in you. I know you can get past all the shit I'm sure you're going through and continue with your life. _

All I remember thinking was 'I can't, I can't get through this. I need you so fucking much. How can I continue my life without you? YOU were my life!' I was able to get through it though, mostly. It took time but at some point I was able to go a day without crying and then two and then a week and now I only cry when I find something of yours or read your letter.

_You'll want to quit science and everything that has to do with it because it failed you. It failed us. But you can't. You have to keep working on the cure to whatever the fuck happened to me, we can't let this happen to any of the other clones. You have to make sure this can't affect Kira. _

When I was younger I never thought I could hate science so much, but after you died I did. All it did was remind me of you and I couldn't take it anymore. I quit science for a bit, even though you told me not too. I'm sorry. I didn't work at all, I just sat at home and went out to different bars at night to try and drink the pain away. But it didn't help, and when Sarah came to me one day and told me Kira had started coughing, I knew. I knew I had to continue and I had to save her. So I took out my lab coat and worked continuously for days. Instead of drinking away my problems I just didn't stop working. I never left myself time to think about anything other than 'Find the cure, find the fucking cure and save Kira'. I found it a few weeks later but I didn't allow myself to get too happy. I was still too late for you.

_I wish we had had more time. I wish I could've grown old with you_…

When I read that line it was like my heart broke all over again. It reminded me of everything I lost. I lost my whole future. I lost all the things I'd daydreamed of. I lost the love of my life and I didn't want to grow old without you. I couldn't imagine growing old without you. I couldn't imagine anything because all I could do at that moment was to try to get through the present. Try to survive the pain of losing my soul mate. It took me an hour to calm down enough to be able to continue reading.

_Maybe you'll look beautiful for someone else at your wedding. Maybe someone else will get to see how beautiful and radiant you look pregnant. Maybe you'll be able to move on from me, and continue living your life in happiness. I don't want you to get stuck Delphine._

I hated this part, I hated that you thought I would be able to move on. I know you just wanted me happy, but I can't be happy in that sense without you. I don't want to marry anyone else, I don't want someone else to see me pregnant. All those parts of my life were meant for me you to be a part of, only you. I'm not stuck, I'm just done. I don't want anyone else and I'm ok with that. I have my family and friends and your sisters, and that's enough for me.

_I love you Delphine. I always ALWAYS will, no matter if I'm no longer with you. Never forget that…please._

I could never forget. I could never forget how much you love me. How could I forget all the times you told me, showed me and cared for me in a way that was more than I could ever ask for or believe I deserved. I will always love you too, no matter if you're with me or not, I will love you forever.

_You proved that you want to help me, help all of us, live and be free. Not continue living like someone's experiment, but be real human beings that aren't being monitored at all times by Neolution's people. Thank you for that. Thank you so much for trying. _

I'm sorry Cosima. I'm sorry but I couldn't help them get their lives back. I couldn't go back to Neolution and free your sisters, it was too much for me. I tried to help them however I could, but it wasn't enough. They're still being monitored and we can do nothing to stop it. It's better though, they know what nights they are tested and everything is more open. Neolution doesn't want to lose anymore of you so they're trying their best to work with the girls and not against them. But that's not because of me, that's thanks to you. We had to lose you for them to get parts of their lives back.

_Whenever you feel like all is lost, or that you just can't anymore with anything, I want you to open this letter and remember how much I love you…_

I read your letter a lot, I feel lost a lot and it helps me find myself again. I try to imagine you talking to me, telling me everything and reminding me that it's going to be okay. It's not always enough, sometimes I go back to bars and drink until I can't think anymore. Sometimes I think 'Maybe if I sleep with someone else it'll help and make things easier.' I tried that once, I hope you forgive me. It was just a one-night stand and I was too drunk to remember anything. All I remember is waking up the next morning and taking a steaming hot shower and scrubbing fiercely to try and get the feel and smell of him off of me. I will never do that again, you will be my last that I remember.

_Just, please, please don't forget me_.

I could never forget you.

* * *

I finish reading the letter and tuck it back into my pocket. I wipe the few stray tears from my cheeks and continue walking. I slow down as I near your grave. It's clean of dust and dirt from the rain a few days ago. I set the flowers near your headstone and sit on the grass, I tell you about my day and what's been going on in my life. Before I leave I remind you that I love you and can't wait to see you again.

FIN


End file.
